The boy who ran off to the circus
by Amy Hirosaki
Summary: Oneshot, shonen ai, Trowacentric. ‘When I was seven and a half, I stopped travelling with my group one day, in order to run away to join the circus. A clown I would be.’


The boy who ran off to the circus

Summary: One-shot, shonen ai, Trowa-centric. 'When I was seven and a half, I stopped travelling with my group one day, in order to run away to join the circus. A clown I would be.'

The plot itself is a mix between an episode of the childhood TV-program (no comments) and my eternal inspiration.

Shonen ai. But that would be an obvious fact. You're choice what to make of the pairing though.

Disclaimer: I don't own 'Gundam Wing' and characters, and I also don't own 'Afred Jodocus Kwak'.

* * *

_When I was one, I stopped wanting breast milk._

_When I was one and a half, I stopped wanting my dummy at night._

_When I was two, I stopped calling random supervisors 'dada' and 'mama' because of my late parents._

_When I was two and a half, I stopped wetting my pants._

_When I was three, I stopped thinking my mommy and daddy would still be alive._

_When I was three and a half, I stopped pretending I was a fireman or a pilot when I was playing alone._

_When I was four, I stopped feeling unashamed if I would cry in front of others._

_When I was four and a half, I stopped wanting the older men to play with me._

_When I was five, I stopped nagging for candy day in day out._

_When I was five and a half, I stopped checking for monsters in the closet and under my bed._

_When I was six, I stopped wanting a name other then 'No-Name'._

_When I was six and a half, I stopped nagging for a haircut because of my strangely shaped hair. _

.. When I was 7, I had enough of this whole 'growing-up' thing. I had enough of my life. I didn't want to become an adult! Adults were big, boring, never made fun jokes, never wanted to play, only talked about girls and could only drink beer instead of soda.

My conclusion: Find a way to stay a child.

Luckily I had spent little time in my life talking to boys my age. Because the group traveled much, I came in contact with lots of cultures. All cultures were mostly different, but they tend to agree on certain things. Things like growing up.

It appeared that more children had troubles growing up too. It was my luck that every culture agreed that a child could only do ONE thing to prevent him to become an adult.

Run away and join the circus.

_And when I was seven and a half, I stopped traveling with my group one day, in order to run away to join the circus._

On an early morning, when the older men were sleeping or doing things I never wanted to find out, I climbed out of my bed and put on some clothes and shoes. Then I grabbed my backpack, packed with the essentials every kid should have in order to survive.

Yes, that's right. I had packed 2 bags of candy, 1 can of soda, a toy plane and my hanky.

When I was sure no-one would caught me, I put a note with 'I'm off to join the circus, bye!' on my pillow, before running off.

I had the address of a small circus. The circus would be here for a few days, and then it would leave. Yesterday, when I found a leaflet with 'Needed: Clown' I couldn't hide my happiness. I kept on smiling, even when I had to go to bed earlier than normal.

A clown, you ask?

But of course! Clowns were the best people of the world! They had masks, funny clothes, funny faces.. and they always make people laugh! Isn't that the dream-job of every little kid?

... well, it was my dream anyway.

A clown I would be. I would make people laugh. Even the saddest face would light up if they would see me doing funny things. After all, I could dance funny, I could make funny faces, and I could tell funny jokes. That would make anyone laugh, wouldn't it!

I walked for over an hour, because I didn't have money to go by bus. On my way down I practiced a little bit by jumping down the road instead of walking. I earned a few stares, but that was obviously because I wasn't wearing a clown-suit right now.

When the circus came in view, I even made 3 twirls. Just because I liked it. Just because I was happy.

Just because I knew I could stay a child for the rest of my life.

* * *

"You want to be a clown?" It sounded ridiculous when the circus director said it. But it nodded anyway. 

"Well... you are still a very young boy. Did you parents agree on this?"

"My parents died when I was 1." I said, knowing I had hit a weak spot. No adult could ever be harsh to me when I said I didn't have parents anymore.

"Oh.. well.. technically, you're too young to perform.. but you see, our own clown is sick.." The talking became mumbling, and I had to listen carefully to catch his words.

"The poor man.. shouldn't have thrown that bucket of ice-cold water in his own face last week.. But we have to perform tonight.. and without clown..-"

"Sir, please let me perform tonight! I'll show you I am a good and funny clown!" I tried pleading. That always worked if I wanted toast instead of eggs and bacon, so why wouldn't it work right now?

"Well.. you sure you are able to perform?"

"Yes, sir!"

"... Oh, all right. Just for tonight," I showed him my bestest best grin, "Are you really able to perform in front of the audience?"

"Yes, of course! I love it to make people laugh!" My smile kept on increasing, because I couldn't feel happier then right here and right now.

"Do you already have something in mind to do tonight?"

"Oh yes! Lots of ideas! I'm sure everyone will love it!" I clapped my hands in childish enthusiasm.

"Then it's settled. I'll show you the changing rooms. I'll get you some clothes to wear, and then you can do whatever you want until the show begins. You can practice, or look around a bit. I don't mind, as long as you perform."

"Yes, sir!" And I saluted.

* * *

It took me half a minute to get to the changing rooms. 

It took me half an hour to change my clothes into a clown's attire.

And finally the moment arrived I had a costume.

I looked at myself in the mirror, happy to see the result. A big red nose, orange wig, yellow shirt, green baggy pants and two shoes. 5 sizes too big.

I looked ridiculous.

I loved it.

I looked in the mirror some more. I made a funny face by pushing my nose up with my finger, and sticking out my tongue. I giggled at my own face.

Yes, I was ready to be a clown.

"Nanashi?"

I looked up from the mirror, to some older man.

"Ahh, I see you are already dressed up. That's good. The show will begin in 2 hours, so feel free to look around a bit." That said, the older man turned around, and walked away.

I stuck out my tongue at him, then snickering quietly at my own actions. Oh, I really _WAS_ funny!

But what to do now? I didn't want to change my clothes back to my normal ones, because I felt like those clothes made me look dull and boring. And I was anything but dull and boring! I was a clown! An official clown! A boy who would always stay a boy! Never had to face grown-up things anymore!

I was in heaven.

"H'llo? Are you a clown?" I looked around, at the owner of the voice.

Now I was in heaven.

"Y-yes.. yes, I am!" My voice cracked, but I wasn't paying attention to that.

"Great! I love clowns!" The boy smiled before clapping his hands together.

I felt like I was king of the world. The boy, a very sweet boy, looking as sweet as a boy could look, was smiling at me.

"I'm a visitor, and I was told I could look around a little bit before the show. Perhaps you could give me a tour?" The boy's eyes widened a bit, showing he was genuinely interested in what I was going to say.

Disappoint him by telling I was new, and didn't even know were the exit was?

Never!

"Sure! You've come to the right person! I'm Nanashi, and I'll show you everything!" I smiled at him as wide as I could, and the sweet boy smiled back in response.

I never felt this happy in my whole life.

Perhaps all those children were right when they told me that joining the circus solves your problems.

"Great! You are really nice, Nanashi!"

I hopped over to him, too happy to walk normally, before grabbing his hand.

"C'mon then!" And off we were.

Because I didn't have a clue where we were going, I just walked into a random direction, and when I saw something familiar, I proudly told him this.

"And that's the.. ehh.. ah! The elephant cage! We have elephants, you know! And they are really big! You wanna see them?"

"Oh.. but aren't you scared for those big creatures?" The sweet boy held my hand a little bit tighter, indicating he didn't like elephants very much.

"Oh.. but I'm here with you! You don't have to be afraid, because if an elephant wants to hurt you, I'll save you!"

"But you're just a clown.."

Ouch.

_Just_ a clown?

"Oh, looked over there! That's the ehh.. another animal cage! Shall we look?" I recovered quickly. No need to be so sensitive. Though I found a clown the best profession in the world, the sweet boy didn't have to agree with me.

Perhaps if I showed him some of my funny tricks, he would see clowns different.

"Okay." The sweet boy nodded obediently, before we made our way to the cage.

Only to find it empty.

I felt the sweet boy's eyes staring at the cage, silently demanding an answer from me. Well, I _did_ say there were animals in here..

"We'll go to that man over there." I pointed over to a man, who was walking straight into the big circus tent at the other side of the cage. You see, this cage was placed exactly half outside, half inside the big circus tent.

"Are there the animals?"

"Eh.. of course!" I said, hoping I was right.

We made our way over to the entrance I had seen the man walking in a few moments ago. Inside it was pretty dark, so the first few moments I couldn't really see where I was leading the sweet boy to.

Then it happened.

I saw the boy turning around at the first growl. There, in that big cage placed half inside half outside the circus tent, we could see a lion tamer practicing. There were 2.. no, THREE, 3 lions walking freely in the cage, and the tamer didn't even look the tiniest bit scared.

Suddenly, a whip appeared. For a moment, I wanted to scream 'you big jerk!', but all the tamer did was shout a few words, then held up the whip, before hitting the ground in front of the lions.

And all three of them sat down, in a straight line. No lion was hurt.

I felt my mouth fall open in awe.

I suddenly felt ridiculous in my clothes, and looked at the tamer's jungle-outfit. It was the most simply attire of clothing, but it wasn't colored yellow, orange, red, green and blue all together.

It was cool.

On my left, I suddenly heard clapping. The boy, that very sweet boy, was clapping as hard as he could at the tamer. His eyes were dreamily watching the moves the tamer made to control the lions.

I pouted. I rather had the sweet boy watching me.

"It's not _that_ cool, you know." I mumbled, hoping the sweet boy would suddenly realize I was much cooler than that stupid lion tamer.

"Look how he moves so gracefully.. he's not scared at all.." Came the whispered reply. I thought it was impossible, but the eyes of the sweet boy hazed even more, indicating he was once again in la-la-land with his dreamy thoughts.

Ugh.

Another slash. The whip hit the ground two times short. The lions understood the meaning and returned to their cage.

The sweet boy next to me clapped a little bit more, then stopped. This was my chance! The sweet boy looked to me, FINALLY, smiling as sweet as he could.

This was my moment. I would ask him if he wanted to see a trick, and then I would do a flip-flop, and then he would clap for me!

"Do you-"

"I'm going to him now. I.. perhaps he'll let me hold his whip for a moment." This time his eyes weren't off to la-la-land. His eyes weren't fixed on me either. Instead, they were fixed on the tamer, who was now exiting the cage.

And within a second, the sweet boy had left my side. He ran to the tamer, shouting enthusiastically.

I felt sad, but didn't cry. After all, I had learned at the age of 4 to be ashamed to cry in front of others.

* * *

The remaining hours before the show I hovered around the sweet boy. I tried to talk to him, tried to let him see I was a great person, a great kid! 

How could that sweet boy ever choose an _ADULT_ above me, a child who discovered a way to stay a child forever?

I kept on sticking with the conclusion the sweet boy was brainwashed by adults. Dreamily I imagined I saved him from the evil clutches of the adults, and then he would _finally_ look at me and clap for me.

But no such thing happened.

I was send to the changing rooms again, along with the other circus artists. The sweet boy stayed behind, but I had heard him say earlier he was going to see the show as well.

Hearing that gave me little hope. Perhaps that sweet boy would clap for me in the end. I just needed to act as funny and silly as I could.

In the changing-rooms everyone was busy changing clothes. Out of nowhere some girls appeared, and colored my face white, and my lips red.

I was a real clown now.

One by one we were called to perform. I was somewhere in the middle, so I had plenty of time to practice my silly faces.

And suddenly the moment was there.

I was called to perform. The older circus artists gave me hopeful smiles, and cheered I was going to be great.

I followed the hallway all the way to the side entrance of the circus ring. Next to me there were 2 men doing some technical stuff, and of the other side the circus master was. Somewhere in a corner of the side-entrance I could see my sweet boy, smiling at me.

I smiled back, completely forgetting I had to perform in a moment.

"Good luck, Nanashi." Was all the circus-master next to me said, before he walked to the middle of the circus ring; spotlights were following every single move he made.

He stopped, turned on the microphone he was holding, just before he was going to announce to the mass of visitors which were not only children but also grown-ups and there had to be at least a million of people watching every single move the circus master made and it would just take him a moment to announce I was going to be next and then I had to make an entrance and then I was going to stand there in the middle of the circus ring in front of all those people and then I would have to do silly and funny things all in front off all those people and there would be at least a billion of people watching me..

Oh shit.

What am I doing here!

"Kid, you're up next."

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit-

"Heh, heh, look over here! The kid is probably acting like he's deaf. Must be part of his act, right?"

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit-

"C'mon kid, you don't want to let the audience wait!"

Shit, shit, sh-

O my god! The pushed me. The Fucking PUSHED me into the circus ring, so now all those billions and millions of people were watching me and-

"WAAAH!"

I ran.

No wait, scrap that. I _tried_ to run. As soon as I started to run away from the spotlight that was fixed on me, the spotlight followed me.

That, AND I fell on the ground. Because my shoes were too big.

Well, then I would crawl away! No way in hell I was going to stay in the spotlight a minute longer!

I crawled, lost one shoe, and yet it was no use. The spotlight kept on following me, highlighting every move I made in front of all those people.

Oh drat.

After I crawled, I stood up, and tried to run some more. I ran to the facade between the audience and the circus ring, but I couldn't climb over it. Probably because I was wearing only one shoe.

I fell again, and hated the shoe that was left on my foot.

I was NOT going to walk or run on that show anymore!

So I started hop-scotching on my sock.

All the way to the middle of the ring, to the shoe I had left there. Vaguely I was aware of the increasing laughter on the background, but right now I had more things to worry about.

When I reached my shoe, I tried to reach it, trying to stay out of the spotlight as much as I could.

And fell again.

Face first.

The laughter increased in volume, but I cared more about my nose, which was brown from all the dirt mixed with my white make-up.

Oh, I would never hear the end of this failure.

I looked to the exit, seemingly miles away. There was my sweet boy..

My face lit up.

.. Looking at the lion-tamer next to him with gooey eyes.

I felt like fainting.

I grabbed my lost shoe, tucked it the pocket of my pants, dramatically put my left hand on my forehead with as much grace as I could muster, before I swooned.

Then I fainted for real.

* * *

When I opened my eyes, I looked straight in the eyes of my sweet boy. 

I was in heaven.

Then I woke up for real, and looked into the eyes of the circus master.

"Finally decided to wake up, eh?" I nodded a bit, but when I felt a headache I stopped the gesture immediately.

"You were quite the star back in the ring."

What?

"I lost a shoe, mister."

"The audience loved it. It's the best 'clown-is-scared-to-perform'-act I've ever seen. You are really talented boy."

I was?

"I fainted!"

"A perfect ending! You caused a standing ovation!"

"I did?"

"Yes! Yes you did! You are a brilliant clown, and we're happy you joined our circus."

"I eh.."

"Just rest, Nanashi. Tomorrow we'll be leaving this place and continue our world-tour."

Wait.

"Leave?"

"Yes of course! The circus never stays in one place for more than a few weeks. Joining the circus is a great opportunity for you to see something of the world. And because you don't have parents, nobody will worry about you. Some of us have troubles keeping contact with their families, because we travel so much. Families have even more trouble, because half of the time they don't know were we are."

"I don't have a family."

"We'll be your family, Nanashi. No, please rest."

"What about... eh, that boy my age?" For the first time I registered I didn't know my sweet boy's name. Oh well, I'll just ask him later.

"Hmmm? Oh you mean that little visitor? He loves the circus, and we decided to give him a day to remember. Our lion-tamer brought him home last night after the show."

"You mean he won't go with us?"

"Eh? Hahah! Nanashi, visitors don't travel with us. But I'm sure you'll meet other nice boys to play with."

Other boys?

But I wanted HIM to play with!

"Rest, Nanashi. We'll be leaving in a few hours." The circus master smiled at me.

I felt like crying.

But I was no four anymore.

Instead, I choose to voice out my sadness.

"If the boy went home, I'll go home as well. I-.. I don't want to be a clown anymore."

* * *

I went back. Back to the merchandisers. I wish I was alone, that the ground would swallow me, that I could cry without being ashamed. 

I already missed the sweet boy.

The boy who I would never see again.

When I got back, it appeared that I wasn't missed. They thought I was ill, and that I stayed in my bed for more than a day. I wish I could cry when I heard that, but I had already learned by the age of four that I felt ashamed if I would cry in front of others.

I went to bed. And I thought.

I didn't want to grow up, but faith decided I couldn't prevent from turning into an adult. What to do, what to do?

I couldn't join the circus, that was for sure. If I would travel with the circus, I would meet other sweet boys. And then the lion tamer would be cooler in their eyes, which would leave me bitter and sad.

That was a future no child should have.

Too bad there were no other places in the world where a child could run to, to prevent one to become an adult.

So then what?

I couldn't stop myself from aging, and I am not so stupid to believe in the Spring of Youth.

Perhaps there wasn't a thing I could to. Perhaps it was just meant to be: A child can't stay a child. A child always becomes an adult.

With that thought in the back of my mind, I went on living my life.

_When I was 7 and a half, just back from my ruined trip to join the circus, I stopped believing in fairy-tales._

_When I was 8, I stopped hating myself for not being able to stay a child._

_When I was 8 and a half, I stopped being stubborn and I was taught to read._

_When I was 9, I stopped being disobedient and I was taught to write in 6 different languages._

_When I was 9 and a half, I stopped disagreeing with the older men and I was taught to repair bigger Mobile Suits._

It went on for the next few years.

_When I was 11, I stopped pretending that I didn't feel something for that sweet boy back in my younger days._

I didn't stop growing up.

I didn't stop feeling less and less child everyday.

I did stop remembering the looks of the sweet boy. Yes, -please- hit me. I forgot how he looked like. I only know his eyes were beautiful, and his smile was perfect.

I also remembered the sweet boy liked Lion tamers over clowns.

But his appearance? Was he European? Asian? Japanese? Perhaps Chinese? American? Or perhaps even someone exotic, like an Arabian?

And his hair? Blond, brown, black?

Eyes? Blue? If so, what color of blue? Or were they black? Green? Grey?

In my dreams, he started appearing as a lion tamer-loving faceless, nameless, creature.

I hated myself for forgetting him.

_When I was 11 and a half, I stopped hoping._

I felt my life become dull.

But what could I do to break this endless circle of growing up?

_When I was 13, I stopped trying to stay a child._

_When I was 13 and a half, I stopped pretending I didn't have hormones, because children didn't have hormones, and I did._

My life wasn't fair.

The few things I've wanted in my whole life I could never get.

I could never have that sweet boy.

I could never stay a child.

I could never be a clown.

_When I was 14, I stopped being depressed, and tried to find a way to have at least one of the 3 things I've wanted in my whole life._

My own personal search. Find that sweet boy. Find a way to stay a child. And find a way to be a clown in the circus.

My personal goals.. each of them were impossible to complete. How to find a boy when you forgot his appearance? How to stay as child at the age of 15? How to become a clown if you were to become a Gundam Pilot?

_When I was 15, I stopped running away from myself._

I finally found peace that I could never stay a child.

I found peace that I could never have that sweet boy.

**"What's that? You want to join the circus?"**

**"..."**

**"Got any experience?"**

Well.. I never became a clown in the end as well.

I became a tamer. The profession I hated most.

Just because I hoped that one day, that sweet boy would see me again, and would clap for me.

That in mind, I nursed Heero back to life. I hoped he would tell me one day he had once met a boy who wanted to be a clown badly.

That in mind, I trusted Duo out of all people and gave him information about the rebuild Gundams. I really hoped he would ask me if I was his 'Nanashi' from so long ago.

That in mind, I played music with Quatre. I kept on hoping he would tell me lion tamers weren't as cool as clowns.

That in mind, I tried to understand and respect Wufei's actions when he was defeated by Treize. Secretly I hoped he would tell me I wasn't such a big failure of a clown in my younger years.

Neither of them ever mentioned the clown 'Nanashi'.

Neither of them clapped for me.

Their smiles for me were enough though.


End file.
